On the romance of friendships

I always grew up romancing friendships. As a teenager my fantasies did not include kissing boys under a tree. Instead, I fantasized about climbing up trees with friends and throwing chalk at couples. We are taught that finding a partner, finding “the one” is the be-all and end-all of romance – but what if the real romance is in our friends? The people who stick with us without expecting much in return.

This valentine’s day I am celebrating and grieving friendships. Those I have, those I lost. I reflect on the lessons and values that my friends have taught me, which I believe are integral to a good romance. 

Sharing your trophies

Childhood friendships are lovely – a gateway to finding our individuality away from parents. I found my first best friend when I was 5. We had the ‘I will always save a seat beside me for you’ type of friendship. After a school race where I came second and she came first, she let me have her bigger trophy, “it doesn’t matter” she said. Well, it mattered a lot – it taught me the value of sharing in friendships. And how sharing something small – a trophy, favorite dress, lunch box –can mean a lot between two friends. Our friendship went strong for 6 years until I moved countries. At 10, I first felt the pain of moving away from your best friend. While we are still in touch today– sometimes I wonder how different our friendship could be if I stayed. 

Laughing together

My favorite are middle-school friendships. This is the time you have grown up a bit, but not enough. I found an inseparable friendship in 6^th grade – we were the famous best friend pair of our school. “You both are like peanut butter and jam”, our teacher used to say. And so, we were. We would spend the whole day in school together, then go home and call each other on the landline to talk about our day (that we spent together!). We would meet over weekends and do sleepovers on holidays. 

We grew up together, went from being awkward kids, to stylish teenagers. Together, we learnt how shop, talk to boys, bunk school, and style our school uniforms. We were each other’s very first wing-women. But most importantly, we were hilarious when together. She taught me the value of laughter and togetherness. The value of spending joyful time together with someone is something I hold dearly even today. Unfortunately, our friendship caught the dating bug, and we both moved on to spend more time dating than with each other. But even today whenever we meet it is always a laughter riot. 

Solidarity in adventures

After two decades of kick-ass best friends, I went into college with high expectations. For a long time no ‘one’ person fit the bill, but I found myself in an amazing groups of friends. Group friendships are peculiar – they are spaces of belonging, a ready-made list of people who always have your back. My group of friends were my first lesson in practicing solidarity – “it’s all of us or none of us”. There is something about having a group of college somethings that makes it easy to do whacky things. I learned all my vices in style with my group of friends – we did everything we were not “supposed to do” together, we got caught together, we escaped together. My group of friends taught me the value of adventure and being silly. Interestingly, while group friendships never have the intimacy of a single friend, they also don’t fade away so easily. But when they do, it hurts the same. Thankfully (or not) there is always someone getting married and the group has an excuse to bring the crazy back. 

Being there for crises

My early experience of almost-adult friendships happened when I first moved out of home. This is when I learnt that nothing compares to the friend who tends to you when you are ill in a hostel. Those friends have a special place in the friendship land – a warm hug on a cold homesick night. I started to find maturity in my friendships. A friendly walk discussing our fears, a 7-hour night exchanging our fears, being there for each other through job rejections, being each other’s families on festivals– friendships started to come in the small moments. While shorter in years and perhaps not as playful, these friendships were meaningful, sometimes more intimate than childhood friendships. I found romance even in adult friends. I wrote poetry for a friend, travelled cities just to see a friend, cried for days when a friend moved cities, felt jealous when a friend started dating, and hugged a friend to sleep. 

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I have always found beautiful friendships. Sadly, I also “lost” many of them. Adult friendships are hard. Especially in today’s globalized, and busy world – being always on the go makes it hard to find friends or to stay in touch with old ones. This valentine’s day, I am practicing gratitude for my friendships, the ones I have and the ones that I once did.