1. Go on a trip
Let your body guide you into the transcendental chaos of thermoregulation failure. Shivers, chills, and sweating simultaneously — it’s like an ayahuasca trip, but sponsored by your immune system. Who needs recreational drugs when you can just get a fever?
2. Get gaslit by your doctor
Go to the doctor and come back sheerly unconvinced with his diagnosis that you have the “regular” flu. There’s nothing “regular” about how you feel. What do you need to do to be taken seriously? Eat a bat?
3. Spiral in some “good” TV
Decide that you’ll make your bed-rest fun by watching good TV but end up feeling terribly depressed after six hours of binging on shows about people who’s lives are 1000x better than you – a regular person with a regular flu.
4. Call he-who-must-not-be-called
Wonder if you made a mistake leaving your ex and decide to stalk him online. After one hour of stalking you are still unsure if he is single… so naturally, you do the only logical thing a person with a sexy flu voice would do — you call him.
5. Ponder on the big questions
Enter into a full blown existential crisis about being able to breathe through only one nostril. Is this who I am now? A half-breather? Is it symbolic? Is it punishment?